Disillusionment Phase

Lately, there has been increasing amounts of research for the first year of teaching. There are phases that are being referenced.

Before students arrive, you are in Anticipation Phase. Dreaming and planning for the year to come.

Then, school starts and you enter the Survival Phase.  This is when you are doing just that, surviving; week to week, day to day, hour to hour.

Then, Disillusionment Phases hits. This is where I am currently living. I am at the point I question if I made a good choice moving to special education, if I can handle it, is it worth it? 
What did I get myself into? 
Do I love my students? Yes. 
Do I think about quitting my job and crawling in a cave daily? Yes.

The Phases of the First-Year Teachers' Attitude Toward Teaching also mirrors some aspects of the Phases associated with a disaster. The predictable phases of any disaster, in order, are: (1) Preparation, (2) Alert, (3) Impact, (4) Heroic, (5) Disillusionment, and (6) Recovery. Coincidence? I think not. 

I am questioning everything. I know that I am a good teacher. I know that I care about my students. I don't know if I made a good choice and I don't know what to do next.

I am exhausted. My aids are exhausted. We are all stressed.We haven't given up, and it helps that we are in it together; but I don't know what to do.

I am done. 
I am numb.
I am drowning. 
I'm toast. 
I am ready to hibernate for the rest of the year. 
Good Bye. 

Teacher Burnout

Teacher burnout is real and it is a problem in our country. There is huge turn over in education from early childhood and elementary to special education. We need skilled teachers to stay in schools, our kids and country need them; need us. But burnout is real, teaching can make you tired.Challenging classes can weigh on you.

I think about my students (my kids) ALL the time! I think about their lives, their families, their futures. I wrack my brain trying to figure out what skills and strategies I can teach them that will matter, that will help them be the best they can be. I think about their passions, how can I help them figure out skills that will help them work in an area they are passionate about?

When I am not thinking about my students, I am doing paperwork. It seems the paperwork is never ending. Like I said in a previous post, I am not a Type-A, everything needs to be perfectly organized kind of person. However, I wish I was some days. Any Type-As want to come organize my life? Or at least my desk?

The class I have this year is by far the most challenging I have ever had. Academics are easy to differentiate, I feel like this is where I am the most confident. It's the behaviors I am struggling with. When you are in a setting where students are not with their non-disabled peers, they don't get to see what is typical as frequently. They see a lot of atypical behavior. I have a class that struggles to stand in line, they talk constantly and more than half of my students have had a physical outburst this year. It's exhausting for myself, for my aids and for the other students. 

We just had CPI training this week. When I was sitting in the training, all I kept thinking was "These are my kids, this is exactly what they do." People go through different levels when they are escalating, a bell curve if the escalation happens slowly or a steep cliff if it happens quickly. They enter a state where they lose rationality. Seeing one of my students go through this is one of the most emotionally draining experiences I have ever had. I feel for my students and their families. It is exhausting. I appreciate the support families give and I appreciate when they say sorry, even though the outburst isn't their fault. When they are supportive, when they say sorry, it shows me that they understand and they appreciate that I am not giving up on their child. 

If you have a child who has outbursts, make sure you support their teacher and thank them for what they do. They need to hear it. They appreciate when they do and it will help get them through those rough times. It might help keep some really great teachers from getting burnt out and leaving the profession they love. 

The only things keeping me from burnout status are: trainings, long weekends, knowing break is coming, wine, and forcing myself to use my nights and weekends for me. I've also decided I need to start doing yoga regularly again (I haven't been invested in my practice since college). I hope this will help me feel more balanced and less exhausted. 

Visual schedules

In gen Ed, it's important to post the schedule and expectations. There is a lot of research out there supporting it. In special Ed, it's also important but can look very different. It is essential that students know what their day looks like and what is expected of them.

I am working with students who don't do well with change, they need to know what's coming and what I will be expecting them to do. If I change the schedule or it wasn't clear, it can be very bad for some of my friends; when it's bad for them it's bad for everyone.

For new special educators (like myself) this can result in some trial and error. I started the year with two schedules. One for my 3rd-4th graders and one for my 5th grader.

I now have 6 schedules for 8 students and another schedule for my aids that is subject to change at any time based on student needs and the day.

 I have moved from having my schedules posted on my white board to having individual schedules on students desks. The schedules are on a Velcro strip and students need to physically move the pieces as they complete their tasks. The pieces have board maker pictures and simple labels.  We will start using them on Monday.

Hopefully this method works well for my students. Between my aids and myself, we've spent atleast to 10 hours printing,  cutting, laminating, Velco-ing and setting up to use these new schedules. Classroom set up is never easy and it takes a long time. This year it has been nonstop. We keep changing things as student needs change.

Next, I need to create break cards :D

Maybe we will  have it all figured out by Christmas break.

I abhor paperwork! (My seventh grade English teacher told me to never use the word hate.)

In the general education classroom, I thought there was a lot of paperwork. I had to make lots of copies, grade papers, keep track of grades, write progress reports and report cards; and occasionally I would need to sign some IEP papers for a special education teacher.

 I was wrong. 

I had it good and didn't even know how good I had it.

Now...

I have to write those IEPs. In undergrad we had "practiced" writing IEPs in my special education class, but having to write a REAL, LEGAL, BINDING document is STRESSFUL! 

Everything needs to be correct, exact, no room for errors. 

There are timelines. LEGAL timelines. Timelines that have real consequences and ramifications if they are not met. 

But that's not all

I also still need to do progress reports, report cards, grading, creating, printing, copying, ect. 

I am not a Type A teacher. 

Staying organized is difficult for me. I like to go where the wind blows. I need new systems, because my usual sticky note system is failing me miserably.

I am drowning in a sea of sticky notes! SOS please some one help me!

Ain't no tired like SDC teacher tired

We've been in school for about a month now. It's been one of the most challenging months of my career. I've laughed, I've cried, I've gone to bed at 7 because I was exhausted and stayed up to midnight because I couldn't sleep without finishing something. I've made mistakes and started building relationships.

Help!

 I've also asked for help. Lots of help. I have a small class, but each student has very different needs and it is hard to meet them all. I have been lucky, I have two wonderful aids/para-educators who are right there beside me; helping me meet those needs. I have supportive administration who comes when I call and hasn't once made me feel like I'm in it alone. 

I need a nap!

Even with all this support, I'm exhausted. I'm mentally, emotionally and physically drained. 

This song has been stuck in my head all week...

"I've been high, I've been low.... You saved me San Francisco" 

TGIF 

3 day weekend! I'm ready to get away for a few days so I can come back rejuvenated! 

Class dynamics

As a general education teacher I always found class dynamics fascinating. If you're a teacher or work in a school or camp you know that when Johnny is absent the class feels completely different. You know that when Sally moved in the class felt completely different. One child can completely change the way a classroom runs; for better or worse things change.

In SDC, this is also true. Just like in general education, one child can make a big difference. What is different in special education is that it feels much more extreme. When you have students with multiple different disabilities and needs in the same classroom, they can feed off each other in a way that is unique. It is much more intense than two students in a gen. ed setting with ADD getting each other overly excited and distracted.

When it is a good day, it is a great day. When it is a bad day, it is the worst day imaginable. Once one student starts screaming, it triggers another. Then another student start flapping because they are completely over stimulated and everyone else is just watching the adults to see what they will do; because spelling or math just isn't going to happen once the train leaves the station. It's like one child is adding coal to the engine, but they can't get the train going forward at full speed ahead on their own. Everyone is impacted, everyone has a reaction. When that train is moving a second can feel like an hour. Eventually the train slows down and stops. Everyone is calm. Learning continues. Somedays, the good days the train doesn't leave the station or is a local train going across town (usually this means someone is missing, it makes a difference). Other days, it is a bullet train going from Tokyo to Kyoto at top speeds.

Everyday is different. Each child deserves a fresh start each day. Even if it was the most difficult day and you don't know if you can give a child a clean slate, tomorrow is always different.

Find the Positives

The first full week is now behind me. I am still getting to know my students and they are still getting to know me. This includes trying to test the boundaries and see how I will respond to them. I am realizing that this year more than any other will test me. It is like being a first year teacher all over again.

What is different is I have a lot of strategies. I know a lot more about teaching than when I started. I know about Differentiated Instruction, Responsive Classroom, PBiS, Daily 5, Mindfulness. I have put them all into practice before and I will put them into practice again. Everything I learned that made me a good teacher in general education will help me in special education.

What I am finding is helping the most is Responsive Classroom, PBiS and Mindfulness practices. These practices are helpful for ME. It helps ME focus on the positives. It helps ME reserve judgement. It helps ME think about how I will respond to a screaming child before reacting and snapping at them. It helps ME realize the reason they are upset really doesn't have to do with me or the task I am asking them to complete. It helps ME notice the child refusing to do work is hungry, thirsty, tired or misses a parent that is not at home.

That is why they yell, that is why they refuse. It isn't because of me. They have needs that haven't been met. I can see it because I am taking the time to get to know them. I can see it because I am reserving judgement. I can see it because I care. I understand that if you are hungry or sad math isn't important. I am learning now more than ever that it is important to meet my students where they are. It is important to know sometimes we have bad days. It is important to look for the positives, every little victory needs to be celebrated with students. It is important to laugh with students and comfort them when they cry. It is important to be gentle and firm at the same time.

Not every day is a bad day. Not every day is a good day. The bad days can be really bad, but it is my job to find the silver lining. I need to find the beautiful moment where that student can be celebrated and I need to find it every day. One of my mentor teachers once told me "You need to love the unlovable." She was right. They make it hard some days, but when you find those moments it gets easier.