Reflections on "Othering"

As my first year (and likely only year) as a Special Education teacher comes to an end, I am entering my reflective phase.

Through out the year, I have reflected on my day to day experience to better my teaching. Now, I am reflecting more on my year as a whole and I have noticed some things that leave me feeling a little unsettled.

To provide some background, my first class was an inclusion model, 2nd grade general education classroom in Vermont. I had 17(ish) 2nd graders and I would say one fourth to one third of them had IEPs. There were a variety of disabilities and needs in this classroom and I had two students with one-to-one aides. I also had a classroom aide. The school had a strong behavior support system that included a classroom students would temporarily go to when they needed to and staff that aided with behavior issues in the entire school.

In my current position, I am in a self-contained special education classroom in California. At the peek of the year I had 9 students. I have a variety of disabilities and three classroom aides. None of my students have a one-to-one aide. We have no additional behavior support system outside of being sent to the principal's office.

Both districts are fairly small (compared to big city districts) and both have a transient population. Both schools practiced PBIS. In Vermont they use Responsive Classroom.

Out of these two situations, it would seem like my current one would be more ideal, less students per adult. However, I feel that the self-contained model is less than ideal for a number of reasons.

In my current position, I am noticing something that I will call "othering". My students are labeled as different, as separate. They are treated differently by their peers. Other students know that they have a disability because they are in my class. Teachers have told me "oh I have a student for you" because they have a student who is low or a slow learner.

In my first classroom, I had everyone together. My whole class participated in morning meeting and they were ALL included, even those with what would be considered a severe disability. They were ALL part of my general education classroom and school community. For those with visible disabilities, students would go out of their way to make sure they felt accepted and knew they had friends. For those without visible disabilities, they were just seen as they are; they were just seen as kids.

In my current situation, it was not by design or malice that this "othering" has occurred. But we are separate and so we are viewed as separate. As a teacher, I am isolated on my own little island. My students are on the island with me. We have a nice island and among ourselves we belong. However, in the scope of the larger school community not everyone is accepting.

When it came time for other students to be GATE (gifted and talented) tested, some were concerned that they would have to go to a "special class like, ______."

One day when I was out at recess, a student brought me a flower and said "Thank you for taking care of our foreign exchange students." I replied "I didn't know we had any foreign exchange students." The little girl said, "Oh, I mean kids like ______. Kids with disabilities..... *made face* anyway just have a good day." Then she ran off.

Others just ignore some of my students when they want to play or tell them to go away.

Others will get aggressive towards my students and then blame them when they can no longer control their bodies and hit them back; getting my student in trouble for fun.

I have seen my students cry or start to show signs of depression because they are seen as different from their peers.

I know not all of the students mean anything bad with their "othering," like the little girl who gave me flowers. However, this culture is not positive for the students.

General education students will be more understanding and special education students will feel more accepted if we change the culture to be one where all students spend more time together. When we change the culture from one of exclusion to one of inclusion, everyone benefits.

Students who model the behaviors of others would benefit from getting more time to see what positive models look like. If they mimic behaviors of others, shouldn't they get the chance to see the behaviors we want them to mimic?

I know there are many reasons why my students are in a separate situation, from funding to the way the different states structure things. I know that with the way things are, my ideal won't happen because that would require that almost all of my students have a one-to-one aide.

I know there are no perfect solutions or answers.

But after this year, I am even more of a believer that all students would benefit from a base or homeroom in a general education classroom. In order to make that happen, more staff might be required but it will be more positive for all students. 

I know that student who need specialized academic instruction will sometimes need to be provided that instruction in a separate setting. Personally, I don't think separate for all instruction is the best way to do it. When students are separate this much, they forget or never learn how to react and interact with their non-disabled peers. Too much focus has been put on academics and many students also need their social and emotional needs met.

To feel included, to be included; that is a beautiful thing. That is what many of my current students are missing and what my previous students had.

Overall, my district is great and actually does do a lot to include my students. They are invited to all the school events and grade level field trips. I know not all other local districts go that far. 

I want to be clear that I feel this is more of a statewide cultural issue than a local one. Talking to teachers from other schools and districts, I know my feelings are not isolated ones.

If they can do what is best by students in a small state like Vermont, why can't we do it in a large state like California? 

 Kids are kids no matter what state they are in. We need to be promoting positivity and modeling inclusion if we want our country to have those values when our students are older. 

Food for Thought

A friend from college (also a teacher) posted this picture yesterday. It spoke to me. This really is the saying of the year. This is what I remind myself of everyday.

I've said before that this is the most challenging year I have had so far. A lot of it is students, some of it is adults and some of it is paperwork.

At the end of the day, I still love teaching. I come back everyday for a reason and it's not the paycheck. Kids need to feel like school is a safe place, they need to feel cared for. I care, that's why I come back everyday.

I work with some of the most caring adults in the world. We all have our days, but seeing how much the aides and other staff members care is a great feeling. When you are part of a strong team it makes a difference. 

When you can be calm when a child is not makes a world of difference; I know it is hard to do sometimes. After this year, I know how much of a difference being cool and collected can make. 

Patience and practice are nessasities.  

We can not join the choas. 

When the Stars Align

Sometimes the stars align and it is a great day. 

Today was one of those days. It was the first day that everyone was there since Thanksgiving! I was feeling anxious last night, worrying about all of the different ways the day could turn out. I am glad I didn't let that worry get the best of me, because having a positive attitude to start the day makes a big difference.

A day like today would be great in any class. However, I don't have any class. I'm teaching a special education class with a lot of students who struggle with emotional regulation and behaviors. Today, some of my most challenging students had a PERFECT day! Today was they day we have been dreaming about since August.

My student who had been gone, came back and fell right back into their routines.  This is extremely impressive considering they had  been away so many days and don't usually adapt to change well. All the hard work we did to teach these routines was not for nothing. This student remembered what they needed to do and they did it.

While we were working on math, he accidentally ripped his  box of crayons when he was opening it.  I offered to help him tape it, while I did this he said "Ms. Martel, your amazing teacher." 

This made my heart melt.  They have never said anything like this before. I wanted to cry.

This student struggles with speaking, they usually don't use complete sentences. I was not only touched by what they said, but I was impressed with how they said it.

Today was a win. A victory.

Even if tomorrow is crazy, I know how good it can be and I'm going to keep working towards days like today.

Happy Thursday! 

Also, my student made this cute snowman... I think they should try claymation! 

The "J-Factor"

A few weeks ago, I wrote about wanting to be a Monday teacher and then wrote about attitude. On those same lines, I am thinking about the J-Factor. J stands for Joy. Teach Like a Champion talks about it, Danny Brassell talked about it in Las Vegas, another teacher/blogger known as Elementary Shenanigans posted a picture about it (which I borrowed) and now in my induction program, we are looking at it again. I feel like Joy is coming at me from every direction.

This year, there have been many days where finding joy has been difficult, I won't pretend that it's been easy. One of the reasons I started this blog was because I was struggling and needed an outlet. However, I don't want to dwell on negativity or get burnt out because of it.

I love being a teacher, I find joy in what I do. It is one of the most rewarding things I have ever done. I know it is important, I know it makes a difference. I am changing the world, one student at a time. 

This week (and for the remainder of the year) I am going to work on focusing more on Joy. To start, here are five things I find joy in.

I find Joy in:

1) "ah-ha" moments. I love seeing a student who has been struggling finally find a strategy that works for them. I love seeing the moment where they finally "get it."

2) Students knowing what to do when I am not there. If my class is good for a sub, I know I have done a good job teaching them routines and expectations. Getting positive notes from subs gives me joy.

3) Getting a smile, a hug, a high-five. Just like adults, students show they care in different ways. I find joy in all of them. Even students who are difficult will show you they notice what you do for them, even if it's one smile, one time. 

4) Positive feedback from parents. There will always be one parent that is difficult or that the principal warned you about. I work twice as hard to win them over. Once they know I am on their child's team, that I want what is best for them too they usually come around and can be a strong support. I have a number of parent emails I have kept to look at on a rainy day. When parents notice what you do for their children, it feels good.

5) Play. Making time to play with students; games, recess, gonoodle, ect. All these bring me joy. They also bring my students Joy too. There is joy in having fun together. It builds the classroom community and can make learning more exciting for everyone. 

Attitude makes a difference

Children pick up on what adults around them are feeling. Even if a child can't articulate it, they show you with their body language and their behavior.

The holidays can be a crazy and stressful time for many people. This includes our students. Some of them spend time with a different parent or adult guardian. Some are from low income families who are happy to have a meal and lucky to get any presents. Children can get anxiety around the holidays too.

I my goal is to have a positive attitude. My goal is to be Compassionate, Caring and Consistent.

I am an adult. I am a model. I am a professional.

Children benefit the most when adults remember that. Attitude is everything and as adults in the classroom, we set the tone.

We all need to be Compassionate. We don't always know why things are happening or why someone feels a certain way.

We need to be Caring. Our students deserve to feel cared for; unconditionally.

We need to be Consistent. Children won't trust an adult who is up and down. They need to trust that the adults who work with them are reliable. They need to see that you have it together and are present. Even if there is a tornado inside, you can't let it show. They have enough going on. Adult problems are not their problems and they shouldn't know about them. We need to be consistent, they need to know they can count on us to support them.

When we remember these three things, the classroom climate is positive and everyone feels better.

TGIF

Most teachers will agree that this is a challenging time of year to teach. There are many holidays and a lot of excitement . There are also a lot of vacations, concerts, celebrations and other events that interrupt typical routines. In Special Education, I am learning just how challenging these changes can be.

This week, almost all the staff and half my students were sick.

This means there was a lot of missed school and change in routine for many of my students (and myself). Today I came back after being out sick for two days. Two of my three aids were out sick today. Many of my students missed atleast one day this week as well.

Some students struggle more with change than others. One of my students spit in and slapped my face today. Another kicked a ball at me. The others, gave me a hug and were happy to have me back.

There have also been a lot of events lately that add some anxiety and fear.  I teach elementary school, but my kids still hear about what is happening in the world. At school, we need to make sure we practice what we would do in emergency situations (this happens regularly, but after an event some students and adults are more sensitive). I must say, even though it messed up some of our schedule, I'm proud of my kids. They handled our drill really well today and transitioned back into their schedules after. 

I'm still recovering, I'm not 100% on my game; I have a stash of tissues, a sore throat and a mild headache. I'm tired and I will probably take a nap after I finish this post. I am thankful it's Friday, because my body needs rest. Mentally I feel good (despite being slapped in the face), but physically I'm tired. Being sick and being present and positive in the classroom is really difficult. It takes a lot of work.

Time for some ZzZz's

Sometimes you need to cry

Today was a rough day. It wasn't a behavior day, most of  my students were great. But, it was rough and I broke down. Teachers care about their students. That isn't new.

When you have a student who has a medical condition, you care more. They amaze you with how brave they are. They frighten you when something is wrong and you think about them and their families constantly. I have one of these students this year. A sweet student who  is more brave than I could ever be. Today was a rough day. This student had a rough day at school and then  had to be taken to the hospital. It scared me. I cried and then cried again. I tried to be strong with my other students, but they knew I was worried. One of them cried too.

You get attached to your students, you care about them. It hurts you when they aren't okay.  Sometimes you just need to cry, because there isn't anything else left to do. There isn't anything else you can do.

I want to be a Monday Teacher

This summer when I was at the SDE Las Vegas conference, I saw many inspirational speakers. One was Dr. Danny Brassell. He encouraged us all to be Monday teachers. Teachers who are excited to go to work every day. Teachers who are excited for the new week. He said not to be a Friday teacher, someone only living for the weekend; waiting and wanting to be done with work. The teachers ready to leave before students are even on the buses.

 I want to be a Monday teacher. I do. This year is making it hard. Everyday there is a new challenge, a new obstacle. If it isn't a student challenge, it's a parent or paper work challenge. Some days it's all three. Since the start of school, I've had maybe one day where I didn't feel completely exhausted, where I hadn't struggled in some way.  There have been weeks where I was a Friday teacher.

Next week is  Thanksgiving. This is one of my favorite holidays and always will be. It reminds me of my Puritan heritage, my family traditions and reminds me to be  thankful. I have  an amazing life that I have worked hard for. I know I deserve the happiness  I feel daily. I am thankful for the challenges I have faced this year, because in the end  they are only making me stronger. I will be a better person and better teacher because of them.

I am thankful for my administration, my aids, my fellow teachers. With out all of these supports I wouldn't survive.

I am thankful for my students.

Today was a rough day. Many of them struggled through out the day and some lashed out at me.

As they were leaving, all of them gave me a hug. 

They said good bye, have a good break and I will miss you.
 I will miss them too.
After  those hugs, I know I can keep going.

They know I care and I know they do too. Even when they say they don't. 

I can be a Monday teacher again, I just need to focus on the positives. I need to focus on the love. I need to keep being thankful.

Be an Advocate

As a teacher or parent, it is important to be an advocate for your students or child. When special education students are involved, this is even more important. Special education students, like young children cannot always tell you what they need.

It is important as a person who cares for them to make sure you always have their best interests in mind. Sometimes this requires taking the time to reach out and get more support. A student can't do that for themselves. They need the support of adults who love them and care for them. Sometimes parents are a student's biggest advocates. Sometimes teachers are. In a perfect world, there is a strong team of support wrapped around every student.

If you don't advocate for students, if you don't ask for the supports they need; then students will not get those supports. You might not always get what you want, but sometimes you will. It doesn't mean you are making enemies, it means you are seeking friends and supports. It means if something doesn't sound right or feel right then you do something about it and find others that can help.

Raise your voice. 
Ask for help. 
Seek answers. 
Advocate. 

It can have a huge impact. It might just change a life.

Disillusionment Phase

Lately, there has been increasing amounts of research for the first year of teaching. There are phases that are being referenced.

Before students arrive, you are in Anticipation Phase. Dreaming and planning for the year to come.

Then, school starts and you enter the Survival Phase.  This is when you are doing just that, surviving; week to week, day to day, hour to hour.

Then, Disillusionment Phases hits. This is where I am currently living. I am at the point I question if I made a good choice moving to special education, if I can handle it, is it worth it? 
What did I get myself into? 
Do I love my students? Yes. 
Do I think about quitting my job and crawling in a cave daily? Yes.

The Phases of the First-Year Teachers' Attitude Toward Teaching also mirrors some aspects of the Phases associated with a disaster. The predictable phases of any disaster, in order, are: (1) Preparation, (2) Alert, (3) Impact, (4) Heroic, (5) Disillusionment, and (6) Recovery. Coincidence? I think not. 

I am questioning everything. I know that I am a good teacher. I know that I care about my students. I don't know if I made a good choice and I don't know what to do next.

I am exhausted. My aids are exhausted. We are all stressed.We haven't given up, and it helps that we are in it together; but I don't know what to do.

I am done. 
I am numb.
I am drowning. 
I'm toast. 
I am ready to hibernate for the rest of the year. 
Good Bye. 

Teacher Burnout

Teacher burnout is real and it is a problem in our country. There is huge turn over in education from early childhood and elementary to special education. We need skilled teachers to stay in schools, our kids and country need them; need us. But burnout is real, teaching can make you tired.Challenging classes can weigh on you.

I think about my students (my kids) ALL the time! I think about their lives, their families, their futures. I wrack my brain trying to figure out what skills and strategies I can teach them that will matter, that will help them be the best they can be. I think about their passions, how can I help them figure out skills that will help them work in an area they are passionate about?

When I am not thinking about my students, I am doing paperwork. It seems the paperwork is never ending. Like I said in a previous post, I am not a Type-A, everything needs to be perfectly organized kind of person. However, I wish I was some days. Any Type-As want to come organize my life? Or at least my desk?

The class I have this year is by far the most challenging I have ever had. Academics are easy to differentiate, I feel like this is where I am the most confident. It's the behaviors I am struggling with. When you are in a setting where students are not with their non-disabled peers, they don't get to see what is typical as frequently. They see a lot of atypical behavior. I have a class that struggles to stand in line, they talk constantly and more than half of my students have had a physical outburst this year. It's exhausting for myself, for my aids and for the other students. 

We just had CPI training this week. When I was sitting in the training, all I kept thinking was "These are my kids, this is exactly what they do." People go through different levels when they are escalating, a bell curve if the escalation happens slowly or a steep cliff if it happens quickly. They enter a state where they lose rationality. Seeing one of my students go through this is one of the most emotionally draining experiences I have ever had. I feel for my students and their families. It is exhausting. I appreciate the support families give and I appreciate when they say sorry, even though the outburst isn't their fault. When they are supportive, when they say sorry, it shows me that they understand and they appreciate that I am not giving up on their child. 

If you have a child who has outbursts, make sure you support their teacher and thank them for what they do. They need to hear it. They appreciate when they do and it will help get them through those rough times. It might help keep some really great teachers from getting burnt out and leaving the profession they love. 

The only things keeping me from burnout status are: trainings, long weekends, knowing break is coming, wine, and forcing myself to use my nights and weekends for me. I've also decided I need to start doing yoga regularly again (I haven't been invested in my practice since college). I hope this will help me feel more balanced and less exhausted. 

Visual schedules

In gen Ed, it's important to post the schedule and expectations. There is a lot of research out there supporting it. In special Ed, it's also important but can look very different. It is essential that students know what their day looks like and what is expected of them.

I am working with students who don't do well with change, they need to know what's coming and what I will be expecting them to do. If I change the schedule or it wasn't clear, it can be very bad for some of my friends; when it's bad for them it's bad for everyone.

For new special educators (like myself) this can result in some trial and error. I started the year with two schedules. One for my 3rd-4th graders and one for my 5th grader.

I now have 6 schedules for 8 students and another schedule for my aids that is subject to change at any time based on student needs and the day.

 I have moved from having my schedules posted on my white board to having individual schedules on students desks. The schedules are on a Velcro strip and students need to physically move the pieces as they complete their tasks. The pieces have board maker pictures and simple labels.  We will start using them on Monday.

Hopefully this method works well for my students. Between my aids and myself, we've spent atleast to 10 hours printing,  cutting, laminating, Velco-ing and setting up to use these new schedules. Classroom set up is never easy and it takes a long time. This year it has been nonstop. We keep changing things as student needs change.

Next, I need to create break cards :D

Maybe we will  have it all figured out by Christmas break.

I abhor paperwork! (My seventh grade English teacher told me to never use the word hate.)

In the general education classroom, I thought there was a lot of paperwork. I had to make lots of copies, grade papers, keep track of grades, write progress reports and report cards; and occasionally I would need to sign some IEP papers for a special education teacher.

 I was wrong. 

I had it good and didn't even know how good I had it.

Now...

I have to write those IEPs. In undergrad we had "practiced" writing IEPs in my special education class, but having to write a REAL, LEGAL, BINDING document is STRESSFUL! 

Everything needs to be correct, exact, no room for errors. 

There are timelines. LEGAL timelines. Timelines that have real consequences and ramifications if they are not met. 

But that's not all

I also still need to do progress reports, report cards, grading, creating, printing, copying, ect. 

I am not a Type A teacher. 

Staying organized is difficult for me. I like to go where the wind blows. I need new systems, because my usual sticky note system is failing me miserably.

I am drowning in a sea of sticky notes! SOS please some one help me!

Ain't no tired like SDC teacher tired

We've been in school for about a month now. It's been one of the most challenging months of my career. I've laughed, I've cried, I've gone to bed at 7 because I was exhausted and stayed up to midnight because I couldn't sleep without finishing something. I've made mistakes and started building relationships.

Help!

 I've also asked for help. Lots of help. I have a small class, but each student has very different needs and it is hard to meet them all. I have been lucky, I have two wonderful aids/para-educators who are right there beside me; helping me meet those needs. I have supportive administration who comes when I call and hasn't once made me feel like I'm in it alone. 

I need a nap!

Even with all this support, I'm exhausted. I'm mentally, emotionally and physically drained. 

This song has been stuck in my head all week...

"I've been high, I've been low.... You saved me San Francisco" 

TGIF 

3 day weekend! I'm ready to get away for a few days so I can come back rejuvenated! 

Class dynamics

As a general education teacher I always found class dynamics fascinating. If you're a teacher or work in a school or camp you know that when Johnny is absent the class feels completely different. You know that when Sally moved in the class felt completely different. One child can completely change the way a classroom runs; for better or worse things change.

In SDC, this is also true. Just like in general education, one child can make a big difference. What is different in special education is that it feels much more extreme. When you have students with multiple different disabilities and needs in the same classroom, they can feed off each other in a way that is unique. It is much more intense than two students in a gen. ed setting with ADD getting each other overly excited and distracted.

When it is a good day, it is a great day. When it is a bad day, it is the worst day imaginable. Once one student starts screaming, it triggers another. Then another student start flapping because they are completely over stimulated and everyone else is just watching the adults to see what they will do; because spelling or math just isn't going to happen once the train leaves the station. It's like one child is adding coal to the engine, but they can't get the train going forward at full speed ahead on their own. Everyone is impacted, everyone has a reaction. When that train is moving a second can feel like an hour. Eventually the train slows down and stops. Everyone is calm. Learning continues. Somedays, the good days the train doesn't leave the station or is a local train going across town (usually this means someone is missing, it makes a difference). Other days, it is a bullet train going from Tokyo to Kyoto at top speeds.

Everyday is different. Each child deserves a fresh start each day. Even if it was the most difficult day and you don't know if you can give a child a clean slate, tomorrow is always different.

Find the Positives

The first full week is now behind me. I am still getting to know my students and they are still getting to know me. This includes trying to test the boundaries and see how I will respond to them. I am realizing that this year more than any other will test me. It is like being a first year teacher all over again.

What is different is I have a lot of strategies. I know a lot more about teaching than when I started. I know about Differentiated Instruction, Responsive Classroom, PBiS, Daily 5, Mindfulness. I have put them all into practice before and I will put them into practice again. Everything I learned that made me a good teacher in general education will help me in special education.

What I am finding is helping the most is Responsive Classroom, PBiS and Mindfulness practices. These practices are helpful for ME. It helps ME focus on the positives. It helps ME reserve judgement. It helps ME think about how I will respond to a screaming child before reacting and snapping at them. It helps ME realize the reason they are upset really doesn't have to do with me or the task I am asking them to complete. It helps ME notice the child refusing to do work is hungry, thirsty, tired or misses a parent that is not at home.

That is why they yell, that is why they refuse. It isn't because of me. They have needs that haven't been met. I can see it because I am taking the time to get to know them. I can see it because I am reserving judgement. I can see it because I care. I understand that if you are hungry or sad math isn't important. I am learning now more than ever that it is important to meet my students where they are. It is important to know sometimes we have bad days. It is important to look for the positives, every little victory needs to be celebrated with students. It is important to laugh with students and comfort them when they cry. It is important to be gentle and firm at the same time.

Not every day is a bad day. Not every day is a good day. The bad days can be really bad, but it is my job to find the silver lining. I need to find the beautiful moment where that student can be celebrated and I need to find it every day. One of my mentor teachers once told me "You need to love the unlovable." She was right. They make it hard some days, but when you find those moments it gets easier.

Getting Started

This year I have taken on a new challenge.

I'm not going to lie, I am a bit of a geek.
I got more excited to see some of the speakers than I would if I saw a movie star.

I am teaching Special Day Class for the first time.

I love teaching and have been teaching at the elementary level for a few years. I started teaching in Vermont, where schools use an inclusion model. I think this experience is one of the main reasons I took on this challenge.

I had an awesome summer and was able to even spend a week in Las Vegas at the SDE Differentiated Instruction conference. I met amazing ed researchers and got a lot of great advice and ideas.

We are two days in to school now and I know this will be a very different year. I am lucky that I work for a great district and I have a lot of support; I know I am going to need it.

The purpose of this blog is to provide a place for reflection and hopefully collaboration. Advice is always welcome! Any words of wisdom as the year begins?

~Katie